Week 3: Looking Backward and Gazing Forward

Week three was relatively peaceful. There is SO MUCH to absorb, but I’m getting comfortable with being uncomfortable, and it’s helping me move forward more confidently.

Looking Backward
One of the hardest things so far has been preventing myself from looking back at my past-self with judgment and sadness. I’ve finally become the student I’ve always wanted to be, and I can’t help from feeling like it’s happened a little bit too late.

My father used to tell me that it’s not hard to be a good student- all you have to do is have the focus of Arjuna, the mythical archer from the Mahabharata. You focus deeply on the subject at hand, sit in the front row, write down important concepts, raise your hand to ask questions, and engage with your professors and TAs. Inquisitiveness is assumed, and curiosity is fundamental.

Something about this has been hard for me throughout my formal schooling. I’ve always considered myself to be dumber than my brilliant father and used that as an excuse to not engage myself fully. Dumb kid = mediocre student. It was an equation that was clear in my mind. Until now.

I didn’t do poorly in undergrad, but something never clicked when I was there. I reckon it was a combination of motivation, maturity, self-confidence, and purpose that was missing. The lead up to college was formulaic, but when I had the chance to choose my direction, I fell apart.

Here I am, almost 27 full years into the school of life, and for the first time, I can say that I’m proud of the student I’ve become. Today, I took a look at what I’ve discovered about myself these past 3 weeks. Arjuna has arrived. I’ve been sitting in the front row. I ask questions. I prepare thoroughly. Not a single unrelated thought passes my mind during lecture. I wouldn’t be caught dead looking at my phone or snoozing.

But here’s the thing- I can’t fully allow myself to feel proud of this change. There’s a part of me that keeps bringing up the past… Why couldn’t you have found your mojo when you were attending Columbia?!?!!?

Gazing Forward
The past is a trap- you can’t change it, you can’t reason with it, and you can’t always sort it out. And thus, I have no choice but to move forward. So here I am, in the present, gazing softly into the future with an all-consuming curiosity. Now that I’ve found my inner Arjuna, what can I do with him? How can I channel this new energy into more growth, into creating more things and helping more people. How can I bring myself and everyone around me more happiness?

Weekly Thanks
This week’s thanks is to my father. His curiosity has fueled my own.

Summary
Good week. Looking to do more. The sky isn’t the limit, your self-perception is.